~Horsey Humor 4~




GLOSSARY OF HORSE TERMS:
*Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) - a condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work or school.
*Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets with a hammer tend to bring on this condition rapidly.
*Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's College funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).
*Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
*Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.
*Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
*Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on them.
*Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods. *Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.
*Feed - Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.
*Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
*Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over but without being punished.
*Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er."
*Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.
*Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
*Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer...
*Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body. *Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
*Heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
*Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
*Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.
*Lungeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.
*Manure spreader - Horse traders
*Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.
*Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.
*Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean horse (normally white) that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.
*Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion (and some geldings) when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.
*Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.
*Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.
*Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
*Reins - Break-away leather device used to attempt to steer your mount with.
*Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
*Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
*Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show. *Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
*Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
*Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town.
*Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.
*Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.
*Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.
*Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
*Young stock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.
*Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.