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Horsemanship:
Natural Horsemanship devotee -
looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he grew
up in the suburbs of NJ. Rope coiled loosely in hand (don't want to send
any messages of tension, after all) in case he needs to herd any of those
kids on roller blades away from his/her F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking
lot. Cowboy hat is strategically placed, and just soiled enough to be
cool. Wranglers are well worn, with that little wrinkle above the instep
of the ropers, and lots of dust (well, you know, from the round pen) on
the lower legs. The Dressage Queen (DQ) - is freshly
coifed. Not even she remembers her own hair color, but she has taken great
pains to ensure that Rolf, the hairdresser, makes the perm and highlights
look "natural." Diamond studs are elegant and stately, and not so large
that they blind the judge during the entire passage-piaffe tour. $30 dollar
denim jumper worn over $300 full seat white breeches and custom Koenigs.
The Hunter/Jumper competitor - is in an aqua polo
and those breeches whose color could be compared to, um, well, okay, let's
say they're khaki. The polo is so that folks will think they're a jumper
rider until they put on their shirt and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory
after a ride, in order to provide free advertising to that trainer's stable
for whom they shell over a mere grand or so per month, and to hide "helmet
head."
The Eventer - is slightly hunched over. This could
be from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all related
color coordinated gear to every event, or it could possibly be a defensive
posture where he/she is unconsciously protecting his/her wallet, which
is, of course, nearly empty from buying three saddles, three bridles,
three bits and all related color coordinated gear. Looked down on by the
H/J's as "people who just run their horses at fences" and by the DQ's
as "not real dressage riders". Eventers are smugly convinced that they
are in fact the only people in the horse world who CAN ride, since the
H/J's don't jump real fences and the DQ's don't ride real horses.
The Endurance addict - is wearing Lycra tights in
some neon color. Has not read the rule that Lycra is a privilege, not
a right. The shinier, the better, so that they can find her body when
her mount dumps her down (another) ravine. Wearing hiking sneakers of
some sort and a smear of trail dirt on the cheek. Sporting one of the
zillions of T-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete in other torturous
ride. Socks may or may not match.
The backyard rider - can be found wearing (in summer)
shorts and bra, (in winter) flannel nightgown, muck boots, down jacket.
Drives a Ford Tempo filled with dirty blankets and dog hair. Usually has
deformed toes on the right foot from being stepped on in the Walmart sneakers
that are worn for riding. Roots need touching up to hide the grey. Two-horse
bumperpull behind the barn filled with sawdust/hay. Can be found trying
to teach her horse to come in the kitchen to eat so she doesn't have to
walk all the way to the barn.
The Mount:
Rusty - is the quintessential NH mount. Rescued
from a situation where he was never initiated in the natural horsemanship
ways, he'd learned to run down his owners at feeding time, knock children
from his back under low hanging branches, and could even spit like a camel
if provoked. The embezzlement has never been proven. The hospitalization
tally for his handlers was twelve until he met Spherical Sam. After twelve
minutes in the round pen, he is teaching algebra to high school freshmen,
speaks three languages fluently, and can put on his own splint boots (with
Spherical Sam's trademark logo embossed clearly).
Fleistergeidelsprundheim ("Fleistergeidel" for short) -
is an 18-hand warmblood who was bred to make Grand Prix in a European
nation where his breeders are still laughing hysterically when they talk
about "zat crazy American." Despite being runty, his owner fell in love
with his lofty gaits, proud carriage and tremendous athleticism. Never
mind that this talent was not revealed until he was chased down by a rabid
raccoon, and has not been repeated since. Has been injured sixteen times
in the last year, preventing his move to Prix St. George at age 6, despite
living in a 20' x 20' padded stall and providing family supporting wages
to a groom whose chief job duty is "don't let him get hurt!"
Neverbeenraced - is a prime example of American
Thoroughbred. The coat is deep bay, no markings, the textbook TB head,
and no unusual conformational characteristics. Perfect, just perfect.
Overcame a near fatal flaw in his H/J career when he learned that the
plants in the jumps are NOT real, and therefore did not require him to
stop and taste. Has learned to count strides all by himself, and asks
in midair which lead his rider would like today.
Fastnhighasican - is a Thoroughbred track reject
who never won a single race -- perfect Eventer! He has two speeds, gallop
and stopndump, and they are used, at his discretion, for all three phases
of eventing, although he has some creative variations of gallop to spice
up that boring dressage. There is the gallopdowncenterlineandrear, the
gallopdepartandbuck, the extendedoutofhandgallop, and, a favorite among
spectators, the gallopzigzagpirouette in which the gallop is performed
entirely while hopping on his hind legs. His favorite phase is cross-country
where all obstacles regardless of size are jumped at the height of 5.5
feet, and because that is where he gets to employ his personal favorite
movement, the stopndump. This is the most fun when performed at cross-country
water obstacles where his person invariably stands up soaking wet with
murky, smelly water and threatens to sell him to Fleistergeidel's owner
while he follows up with another fun gallop variation, the imfreeandyoucantcatchmegallop,
another crowd-pleaser.
Al Kamar Raka Shazaam - was often called "you b-stard"
until he found an owner as hyper as he, an endurance addict. Can spook
at a blowing leaf, spin a 360 and not lose his big trot rhythm or give
up an inch to the horse behind him. Has learned to eat, drink, pee and
drop to his resting pulse rate on command. Has compiled 3,450 AERC miles,
with his rider compiling 3,445 -- those five miles being the ones he was
chased down the trail after performing his trademark 360 turn, without
said aforementioned rider.
Snook'ums - is the backyard rider's horse. Big
head; stride of a gerbil. Duct tape holding shoe on until farrier gets
out next month. Has a little qtr, Arab, standardbred, Tb, Shetland blood.
Mane cut with scissors straight across. He's been there so long she forgot
how she got him or where he came from. Frequently seen ambling around
the yard. Been known to join family picnics on the back porch.
Overheard Frequently:
From the Natural Horsemanship Devotee - "Well,
shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'!" "It's simple horsemanship" "With this
special twirly flickitat'em rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round penning
like me in no time." "You silly human, that just ain't natural for a horse."
From the DQ - "Oh no, he's hurt again?!" "The check
is in the mail." To Herr Germanlastname: "Can't you tune up those one
tempis for me?" To the groom: "Get me that mounting block -- can't you
see my nails are still wet?" To the show manager: "That footing has ruined
my chances at Olympic Gold in 2000, I'll have you know." and "What were
you thinking, stabling me next to that nobody? That horse could be *diseased*?"
To anyone who will listen: "When I had dinner with Hilda / Lendon / Robert..."
From the H/J Competitor - "Did you tell Neverbeenraced
how many strides between Fence Four and Fence Five -- I can never remember!"
"Is my butt sticking out enough when I post?" "Oh no, I can't jump 2'6",
my trainer will KILL me!" "I can't wait to do jumpers with Neverbeenraced
-- then we can wear one of those tasseled ear covers!"
From the Eventer -"I broke my collarbone/ribs/ankle
again last week, but I'll be fine for the jog-up tomorrow." "How do you
get pond water out of saddle leather?" "Did you see our showjumping where
Fastnhighasican bounced the two stride combination?" "Did you see our
final gallopdowncenterlineandrear? I think he is finally starting to relax
in dressage." "Oh, it's just a little concussion. Have you seen my horse?"
"OOOOHHHHH SH--------T!!!!"
From the Endurance Addict - "Anyone have Advil?"
"Anyone have food? -- I think last year's Twinkies finally went bad."
"For this pain, I spend money?" "Oh I never bring hay or water to the
vet checks -- there's always plenty around." "Quick, quick, did you look,
was his pee okay?" "Shazaam, you b-stard -- it's just a leaf [thud]!"
From the backyard rider - "It's too hot/cold/wet/dry
to ride." "I used to show." "Where's my metamucil?" "Has anyone seen Snook'ems,
last I saw him he was across the road in the cornfield." "Here's a picture
of Snook'ems when he was 43 years young!" "Snook'ems, stop slobbering
on me."
-Anonymous
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